Tending to the fire for myself
how sad me has been looking out for happy me
I’ve been working on self love for a little while now. I read one of my Early Pandemic journal entries and it said something like “I’m realizing that the key to self-improvement, happiness, mental peace, all of it, is self love”. I think at some point I forgot about this Big Revelation, and I had a harder time during the Later Pandemic. I feel like I’ve been rediscovering this idea of self love over and over for at least a few years.
One of those rediscoveries is happening right now! Lately, I’ve been noticing it manifest itself in little ways. For example, in my half marathon training. I’ve never been much of a runner, and it’s not always enjoyable. Most of my runs start with me wanting to go home immediately or feeling stressed that I’ll never be able to finish. But I’ve been making it a rule to run at a maximum of “8/10 suffering” - if things start to hurt or if I feel too tired, I’ll just walk it for a few minutes. The most important thing is finishing, even if I have to walk a lot. And every time I finish, I feel really proud of myself.
Running so consistently is something I never thought I would be able to do, and I think I’ve rarely pushed myself in such a steady way before. I don’t think I’ll ever be particularly fast and my goal for this race is just to finish, but I feel proud of myself just for sticking with it so far. I don’t usually feel that way about things I don’t think I excel at. I’ve felt gassed up when I’ve written a good essay for school or gotten an exciting job offer, but the pride I felt in those moments didn’t feel like self love, it felt more like ego or validation. I guess that seems odd to me, because I do love writing. But I guess writing well doesn’t feel like self love, writing consistently does. Not the high of making something good but the belief in myself that makes me show up and keep making things. Without any specific objective, just a thought that my abilities are something worth cultivating.
I sometimes think the way to keep myself safe is to constantly question myself - how can I maximize my likeability, my optionality, my earning potential? I sometimes feel afraid to tell other people what I really want, in case it doesn’t work out, because I see myself as a subject of the world around me, like I have to take what I can get. Like my life is all about widening my net, hoping something falls in and hoping it’s something good, but never feeling like I can just climb the tree and reach for the thing that stands out. Sometimes I think a lot about overcoming my problems and but somehow don’t think enough about taking care of myself.
I’ve been feeling sad on and off for a few weeks. But I’ve been keeping up with my habits - going on my runs, keeping things tidy, trying my best to read before bed and sleep early. I feel like sad me is tending to the fire for happy me. I feel a little heavy, and I think it might not go away immediately. But I also think that’s okay - sad me can keep tending to itself, taking care of things, making sure everything is in place for when happy me is ready to get out there again.