Two things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately are the unknowability of other peoples’ inner worlds and the uncertainty of life. My boyfriend and I both have younger sisters who are in uni or applying for uni and trying to help them through these processes keeps giving me pangs of “oh my god… I understand XYZ parental behaviour now…” Sometimes I just want to be able to help my sister skip past all the pointless suffering I remember going through - feeling lonely at the start of uni and worrying that that meant there was something wrong with me, being shy to ask for things and approach people, sinking into depression from the shock of my dreams and naiveté crashing against the cynicism of adult life.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to be able to tell my sister the answers to things that will make her feel better instantly. Looking back, I think there are many points in my life at which I would have been able to breathe easier if I knew things were going to work out the way they did - instead of crying and worrying and closing off. I want to be able to hand her the skip button for these moments of anxiety, despair, or uncertainty. Now that I have a little more money and knowledge and experience, I feel like I should be able to use that to make sure everything in her life will work out well. But then I remember how all of the advice and reassurances that people told me didn’t resonate as much until after I had gone through lots of different situations myself. And I also remember how slow of a process it has been for me to work through a lot of my emotional struggles - you can influence other peoples’ material experiences but everyone’s inner lives are their own to grapple with in their own way.
I also remember how oppressive it felt when my parents acted like every Bad Feeling I had was something that needed to be urgently fixed and every Bad Experience they had had was something to be strictly avoided. As much as I regret wasting time being sad and misunderstanding people, I can also remember intensely wanting to be able to make my own choices and being allowed to see what would happen. Although a lot of things I looked forward to ended up being painful or disappointing, being able to find that out for myself and decide how I wanted to respond made me feel like my life is mine.
I don’t think 18-year-old me could have received a verbal download of everything I’ve experienced in the last 9 years and been the same person I am now. Some of that knowledge is stored in my muscles, in my nerves, in my bones. I know I like exercise now because I know what it feels like in my body to climb up a wall or train for a race. I accept that I won’t be liked everywhere more now because I know how it feels in my body to be understood vs. not. I know the lightness of being understood and I know the shrunken, deadened feeling of trying to mask myself, and this helps me better consider whatever the fantasy of being able to fit in might promise me.
I guess another way to say this is that I find the uncertainty of life really frightening or depressing sometimes, but it helps me cope to know that at the very least, the discomfort of fording through the uncertainty generally comes with the silver lining of self-knowledge. Being rejected sucks, getting what I want feels amazing but often too rare, but it feels fairer when I know that every time I try something, I at least learn something that will help me make a better attempt the next time. I remember going to a comedy show where one of the comics was practicing some new material, and part way through a joke he just went “yeahhhh this sucks, let me see what else I have” and I found it kind of life-affirming. Sometimes I get so invested in future scenarios and I think I will only be okay if things manifest the way I want them to. But when those bubbles sometimes burst and my eyes adjust back to the harsher light of reality, I often see that what I do have isn’t so bad - the opportunity to try things and see life unfold, then try again and see life unfold further, tasting more layers of how it is to move through the world as myself.